I don't think about the future

I don't think about the future. It usually gets in the way of taking it easy. The future is a bit too complicated to think about at times really, and I'm bad at predicting. I'm also extremely indecisive. But for some reason I found myself thinking a bit about it last night before drifting to sleep. Maybe it's because of the debt I've been accumulating and the fee I have to pay by next month before it escalates into a legal issue (in which case the fees would have increased dramatically).

If I had remained a NEET I could have avoided this really. I feel as if I've fallen into a scam I saw miles away but disregarded anyway. But that's just how it works when you take everything in your own pace. I'm not sure what I'll even do. The plan was never for me to work, even though it'd be obvious from the fees I'd have to find a job at some time. Being at a 2 year college, at least the debt isn't so large, still I've no idea what happens after I finish those 2 years. I could continue language in another school, but I'm pretty sure the only other school around that has Japanese would be an expensive private school that's hard to get into. And then for what? It's not like a degree in Japanese would really open any jobs that would be able to pay for the large debt I have. 

But if I just finish my 2 years and decide to start work after, what exactly will that lead to either? I guess it'd make nabbing an entry level job easier as resume fodder or something. But what the hell job would I work? For some reason I see myself working at a bookstore or something, through some entry level job like organizing shelves or working the register. And staying at this position to the point where 10 years from now I'd still be that quiet bookstore worker that occasionally knocks stuff over because of how clumsy I am. I'd still be paying off my debt by then due to my low pay and interest sprouting up. Of course, I'd still live with my mother, but this isn't something I've ever looked down on or thought was a bad idea. I find it more appropriate to live with your family, as it eases the burden of cash and you could always help support each other. But I guess some people find it as a sign that you can't walk on your own two legs so look down on it. Not something I care about really, I just felt like pointing out that I always thought it to be an odd idea to live on your own if there's no actual reason for doing so such as better job opportunities outside of one's hometown.

But as I was saying, it's hard to imagine myself doing anything more than small jobs. After all, I really don't think I've many skills. No, I really don't have anything special about me at all. People believe I'm good at computers, but I'm not really, I've just used them since a younger age than a lot of other people. In some cases some could say that experience alone counts as skill I have that others don't, but it's nothing that any employer would particularly find interesting. I know how to not be stupid with a computer, interesting skill I guess. I have a yellow belt in
Google-fu, which allows me to fix problems by stealing answers from other people. My family comes to me when they have computer issues and I usually just Google it and pick the first result to fix their computer. One could argue it's no different than learning information from a textbook, but I've no actual knowledge in how any of that stuff works most of the time. I guess what I'm trying to say is that anyone can do it, people just don't, so I'm not sure if anyone can call it an actual skill. I've gotten money for doing easy computer jobs from my father's technologically illiterate friends, but (no real offense to them) they're not exactly the brightest of the bunch anyway.

In the end I feel as if I can't really do anything. Maybe that's why I can only imagine myself at an entry level job that could be acquired without any college experience, and remaining at that position. A completely optimistic view of the future would be nabbing one of those nice translation jobs where I could work at home for a game company like Atlus or Capcom or something. Or maybe novel translations. Even manga translations. I can't even imagine this stuff paying much, but I'm sure it'd probably pay more than anything else in my head, and I'd have the benefit of not having to go outside. But I doubt this job has many openings, or that they'd be given to someone with no prior translation experience and only 2 years of classes to show for language proficiency. I guess if they actually tested my Japanese they'd know it was beyond the level I have a degree in, but that's not exactly something I expect them to do when shifting through resumes for a candidate.

But I suppose it doesn't matter too much. More money from a better job simply means I can get my loans paid faster. Besides, if I had too much money I'd probably stuff my room with too many figures and have a problem.

At least I've still got a strong goal and determination for learning Japanese. In my job working as a bookstore employee, or as a janitor, or as a cashier, or anything else, I can at least think of myself as being proficient in Japanese by that point. I don't think 2 more years on top of my current experience (which I've lost track of how long by now) would be an unreasonable time frame for me to be well versed in the language. I don't see myself dropping this determination. In fact, it's the only thing I've ever actually taken initiative and interest to sit down and study in my life. The only thing I really have a passion to learn. If I don't find success in Japanese, I really can't see myself succeeding in anything else. It'd be a huge fall, and a huge failure. But I'm not worried about this, because I've no doubts that I'll continue. I've come too far and I'm still far too determined to back out. That's why I can see myself being able to read novels and VNs fluently, even as a cashier. I can see myself taking my breaks in the bookstore to sit in a private corner and pull out a Japanese novel, reading through the pages at the rate I could read  through with my native language (maybe faster, kanji makes reading feel fast even at my current level). Because I really think that no matter what happens to me by that point in the future, my hard work now would shine by then.

But that's enough for today's shitpost. I downloaded Solanin yesterday and I'm going to give it a watch right now. Thanks for reading. Or skimming, I understand since my post is such a wall and I don't even know when to properly highlight certain points with bold or italics.. Or even just coming to this page to look at my image, that's fine too.

~ Kirari ミ★